everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
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So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
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The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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