First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
