Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
