Plan B is the new Plan A
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
