what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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