There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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