i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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