maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
