it was like his penis was on wheels.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
