I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
