she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
