So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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