before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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