I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
