Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
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he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
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Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.