New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
