don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize