The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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