Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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