Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
