Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
