We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
