My liver just broke up with me...
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
