i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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