if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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