Ketchup is God's man juice
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
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It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
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I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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