this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
