fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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