I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
