I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
