Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
