so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
