From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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