is your mom at the bar?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
