Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
