i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
