The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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