So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i black out too much to be "responsible"
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
