There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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