Your mouth is God's brothel.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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