Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
