my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's shark week go big or go home
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
