Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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