Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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