Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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