Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
