oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
