i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
