FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
