You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We left the knife in your bed.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Randomize
