In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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