cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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