hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
