Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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