i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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